Thursday, May 31, 2007

A SOLDIER'S WIFE IN DISTRESS -- READ HER STORY AND SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH HER

Dear readers of Unfiltered and Real,

The following letter came to us recently, and its writer asked us if we would share it with all the soldiers, wives, and people from the millitary community that we're connected to. She's facing a very difficult choice in her life (as you'll read about), and needs your feedback and support. Please feel free to leave your comments here or pass along emails to her through soldiervideos@gmail.com.

- UnR


I find myself in a difficult place in my life. I have been married to a wonderful man for 8 years and we have 3 children. When I meet my husband he was already in the army and had been for a couple of years already. My husband was so much a soldier already that I knew when he was deploying before I even got his phone number! I knew I loved "Roger" within 48 hours of meeting him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and that the feeling was mutual. Needless to say our courtship was fast and were married within a few months of meeting.

The first year of our marriage was an adjustment to say the least. He spent more time away from home and I didn't even feel married! I wasn't really prepared for the huge periods of him being absent. I was such a "cling-on" back then I remember thinking "how can I possibly go 1-2 months without seeing him." I felt so sad and wondered how was I going to make it! I was not a good wife the first year of our marriage - in fact I was so much of a problem that the army outright told my husband if he wanted to advance in his chosen field he better file for a divorce! I made a big effort to change once I realized how I was hurting him even though that was never my intention ever!

We continued to grow as a couple and our family expanded. With the birth of our 3rd child came a number of challenges. Our son "Mark" was born 3 months early and required a lot of help and spent a number of months in the hospital before he came home. Mark had a medical condition that caused breathing problems. During the course of the next 4 years whenever Roger was posted to another base we found the medical system lacking and no access to the therapist so the heart wrenching decision was made 2 times that I needed to move back with the children to a larger urban center so that our son could get the medical/therapy services that he needed.

The first time I moved I lived about 900 miles away from where my husband was stationed. So we only saw Roger/Daddy once a month for the first year and then the last 6 months we saw him every weekend because Roger drove home EVERY weekend to spend time with us. Roger would leave work at 4pm Friday, drive 900 miles, and then arrive at the house where I lived with our children. He'd then spend about 28 hours with us and then drive 900 miles straight back to work for Monday morning. Roger then got posted to another base about 2 hours away from where I was living with our children. We moved as a family unit to his new base but found again the services our son needed we lacking and our son was regressing so much so we again made the decision to live apart and I moved back to the large urban center with our children. But at least Roger was only 200 miles away from us this time and so we saw Roger/Daddy ever single weekend (when he wasn't on duty) and I also drove out with our children and spent time with Roger when there was no school for our other children.

During the fall of 2005 Roger was asked if he would deploy overseas and take part in OEF and it was decided that yes he should because by the time he came home from that overseas deployment in fall of 2006 we had previously decided that I was moving back with the children in the fall of 2006 as all the services that our son needed would be available. Long story short Roger deployed and during his deployment I ended up moving back to where he was posted 5 months earlier then planned because our son was able to get the medical/therapy services sooner.

Everything we planned was finally falling into place. Roger came home from OEF and we were FINALLY living together as a total family unit. I couldn't be any happier to kiss my husband daily and the biggest joy was hearing our children calling for Daddy and seeing my family TOGETHER. We adjusted to life as a INTACT family unit for the next couple of months when low and behold he started talking about another OEF tour and how he wanted to go. The difference this time was that it was HIS UNIT going, not like his last tour when he went with a totally different unit. This time it was HIS BROTHERS / his ARMY FAMILY that was slated for the upcoming roto. (We did know during the fall of 2005 that Roger's unit was slated to do a OEF tour in 2008 but Roger chose to augmentate with another unit so he could at least go on a OEF). So now, being a diehard soldier, Roger wants to go back with HIS unit, and has told me that is what he has to do.

This is where I am having a problem. I know my husband has always been a die hard soldier that has NEVER changed. But I wanted him to stand down this tour so that we can be a family unit as we haven't for years. I love having my family together under one roof after going years of only having my family together on weekends and holidays. So, I agreed at first to let Roger train again to deploy with his unit for Jan 2008 but I am finding as he is away training it has become impossible to "shut up and suck it up."

Recently I finally broke down and told Roger that if he still choose to deploy with his unit I would leave him. Roger replied "all my life all I wanted was to be a soldier." I replied "all my life all I wanted was a family." I have tried for months to find a way to understand how a soldier thinks. I love my husband deeply and I don't want to separate but I also don't think I fully understand how a soldier thinks.

I am writing this open letter asking for advice from other soldiers/wives to try and understand how a soldier thinks so that perhaps I can better understand my soldier/husband. I believe if I can at least comprehend how a soldier thinks then with that knowledge I can educate myself thus make the right choice for me and my family here.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Anonymous

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Hello Maam,

As a prior service soldier with a tour in IRAQ I wanted to respond to your letter as I felt compassionate to your situation.

Let me start by saying that it goes very deep into the core of the human being of what it takes and why Roger does what he does. Being a soldier is an innate quality...not everyone can do it. With that said, it is difficult to contend with the deep psychological wiring of a well-trained soldier. A soldier needs constant action and risk...without it we feel lost...as if we have no purpose; as if we were useless to this country and ourselves.

You wanted to know the mind of a soldier...I figured I could give you my best attempt. If Roger is Infantry you would multiply the stress 3 times as much especially the psychological. It has been 6 years since I have been out and not a day goes by where I don't think of my joes or my weapon or P.T. in the morning or my uniform...6 years out. There are times where I have almost re-enlisted. My girl would not support it and I heavily consider her opinion NOW.

The Most difficult thing Roger will ever have to deal with is getting out and adjusting to the civilian world and the civilian mentality...the longer a soldier stays in, the harder it is to leave. A soldier will always choose the mission 1st and the reasons lie DEEP within' the integrity of the human being. It's nothing personal towards you-if anything it's to protect you. I think a lot of times we blame ourselves as if it were something we did or because of us, when difficult things happen in a relationship...it's much more objective than that.

Really hang in there and if anything, make sure you can get Roger to a counselor or someone he can professionally talk to about what he has seen and experienced...make sure you have a good feeling about the person he will see. I can only tell you this because it was the steps I took to make the transition back to beginning a family life. I hope this has helped.

With Energy,
-Ric Maddox-

Anonymous said...

My Dear,

I'm not sure if this will reach you in time for your decision or if you will even see it. I would like to take a few minutes though.

I have been on both ends of this war, both as a deployed Marine trying to assure my Mom I will be fine over 3 second delay 0200 phone calls, as the fiancée of a multiple time deployed Marine sending care packages including Christmas stocking for his junior Marines, and as the nursemaid to my Marine who came hoe with a gunshot wound to the abdomen. (He is recovering well now)

I know the urge to want to be with your men when you deploy, I know the fear when you know he's leaving and I know the terror of getting the phone call that he is hurt.

I'm not a parent. I don't have any idea the kind of sacrifices you've had to make for your child. I commend you for them and call you a hero in my book.

All of that said (yes I know it was a lot), I truly hope you stay with your husband. I will ask you one question. Do you love him? I don't mean just a little or "well, we've been together this long" I mean do you really love him? If you do I really hope you can stick it out. I know that will take an immense amount of energy. I know that he has a chance of injury or worse. As I typed earlier, I know from experience how hard that is to deal with. I could go on a logistical thing with weighing pros and cons, but that doesn't seem appropriate here. Be with the man you love. I can just hear someone saying "but he's never there." To that I say, physical presence is a bonus in a military love. You neednt be WITH someone to BE WITH them.

My best wishes and prayers to you and your family.